Asking for a friend: I’ve been seeing my partner for a year and a half and we’ve never argued. My friends think that’s unhealthy... but is it?

'The peace of a healthy relationship doesn’t mean that there aren’t also difficulties present.' Photo posed

Caroline West

Q: I have a bit of an odd relationship question, in that I don’t actually have a relationship problem. I’ve been seeing my partner for just over a year and a half, and we have never argued. Some of our friends tell us that it’s not healthy that we don’t have arguments but, to be honest, some of their arguments in their own relationships sound terrible. This makes me feel that we are doing OK but is it a good or bad thing that we haven’t argued? Sometimes I read your column and think that other people have such different experiences, but I’m always interested in seeing how other people act in relationships. Is it odd that we don’t fight? I don’t think we have had any huge issues so far, and we are of a similar age and stage of life. Am I being naive about my relationship or is it OK not to argue?

Dr West replies: Despite saying you don’t have any issues, something made you write in. Maybe you are looking for assurance, or is this a way to test the waters on really thinking about the realities of your relationship? Maybe it’s too big to deal with, and so far you are staying on the surface rather than taking a deep dive into real, vulnerable, honest, raw, intimacy. And who could blame you — that is a terrifying step for many, to really let another person truly see us for who we are. The rewards for working slowly towards this openness are vast, but it can be a hard path to walk; there’s no point in sugarcoating it. But which is more painful — staying the same as you are, or working towards an even more nourishing experience with your relationship?